How to justify your next watch #2, the ‘Hey, it could be coke and hookers’ defence

Time+Tide

NOTE: The problem is that some people just don’t get it. They don’t understand how important, nay, how essential, your next watch is. Not just to your happiness, but also to your sense of purpose, your ability to be a complete person. Against the blockers in your life, we have a new weapon. The Enabler. He is here to flex advanced levels of sophistry in debating to validate your next or latest acquisition. Over to you, Enabler. But first a warning. This defence, should you ever call on it, requires genuine bravery and brings with it a high level of risk. Be bold out there, but be careful. 

In a recent interview, Rod Stewart shared the best piece of advice he’d ever got from his father. “To be properly contented, son,” he was told, “a man needs three things: a job, a sport and a hobby.”

“So in my case,” Rod continued, “my job is singer, my sport is football, my hobby is model railroading.”

Gloss over the weird decision to play with toy trains past the age of six and this is all sound advice. But Stewart Snr omitted one vital piece of the contentment puzzle. Having a job, a sport and a hobby may be prudent additions to life’s rich tapestry. But every man also needs a vice.

Having a job, a sport and hobby may be prudent additions to life’s rich tapestry. But every man also needs a vice.

OK, so “needs” might be overstating the matter a little. But every man invariably has a vice and they’re usually not pretty. In order to let loose, humans have engaged in all sorts of shabby behaviour since the dawn of the time (or at least since the invention of Pornhub).

Consider a murky line-up of the usual suspects. Prostitutes. Booze. Cocaine. Gambling. Infidelity. Fast cars.

Sure, there’s a time and place for all of them. But the resulting fallout can get messy. If inelegantly handled, these vices may prove damaging to your health and sanity. Not to mention your relationship. Yet, morality aside, vices also tend to be costly in the most literal sense.

Take Australia’s personal favourite of gambling. On a per-capita basis, we lose more money than any other country on earth. A 2018 report by global analysts H2 Gambling Capital revealed that the average Australian adult loses $1324 every year, or $25 a week.

Admittedly, $1324 may not buy you that Yacht-Master you’ve been circling, but after a decade of not-gambling you’ve practically earned it. And there’s simply no arguing against the fact that a watch offers a more tangible return than a flutter on the 4.15 at Flemington.

Indeed, when it comes to vices, your watch habit is comparatively benign. Explain to the watch-blocker in your life that, seriously, things could be a whole lot worse in this department. And if they disagree, then simply start chewing tobacco and placing spittoons around the house. You shouldn’t have to wait long.