550 words of extremely valuable – and at times explicit – dating advice in heavy horological lingo

Borna Bošnjak

Editor’s note: There’s more to life than watches. There’s also dating, and how to handle your love life business. In one of the most peculiar, but wonderful, stories ever filed at Time+Tide, Borna has compiled some pointers about, uh, coupling up. There is a catch, though. If you’re not up to date with horological terminology, it’s going to be utterly useless. A stream of slightly titillating gobbledygook at best. A language you simply do not speak at worst. As for those that are conversant or, better still, fluent, please enjoy. You may learn something. You may laugh. You may suddenly be in the mood. I actually felt the touch of all three. Thank you, Borna. Take it away! For those with delicate sensibilities, a fair warning that this story is actually quite saucy. Perhaps jog on if sexual innuendo is not your thing.   

I know what it’s like. You met at a recent get-together, actually chatted about things other than Rolex market prices and how difficult it is to get a Moonswatch, and now you need a way to slide into those DMs. At Time+Tide, we like to think of ourselves as experts of sorts in horological matchmaking, so here are some tips, followed with, literally explicit, general advice.

Be bold!

The first time you reach out is crucial, and clearly the best way to someone’s open heart is to compliment them. Whether you rave over their curvy lugs or the sharp anglage, it’ll show that you pay attention to their best qualities. Keep a keen eye on their preferences, as well. For example, some prefer thicker cases with lots of presence, while some favour those that easily slip under a cuff.

It’s also important to cut out any middlemen that may be disturbing the situation with their own assessment of the situation, potentially wanting to exploit it for their own interests.

And remember, be brave. Confidence is hot! Don’t be put down by your age or the size of your micro-rotor. As an owner of a Polerouter micro-rotor myself, I think they’re beautiful!

But, behave yourself.

Consent is also hot. It’s easy to get carried away and overstep your mark. No matter how well you may think it’s going, keep those unsolicited, extreme closeups of your engraved balance cock to yourself. It’s just a crude way of showing off, which nobody is going to appreciate.

The same goes for asking to see their collection. While their Bubbleback might be in mint condition, they might not necessarily want to share it with you. The most important thing of all is to let the connection patina naturally, you don’t want to force it. Don’t worry about whether you’ll end up flipping this one or if it’s a keeper — enjoy the moment, and eventually everything will fall into place.

Once it all falls into place

If you know they’re coming over with their favourite watch on, you’ve got to keep a couple of things in mind. Everyone’s different, so they might not be as careful with their watches the way you might be, going extremely long periods in between services. You’ve got to be mindful of any possible rust, pitting or dried-up lubricant when opening up the caseback — my recommendation is to have a fresh supply of finger cots at all times. Also note that you might have to remove the strap before you get going. I’ve gotten good enough to be able to do it one-handed, but I still prefer a quick-release system.

This is when you may discover new things about the watch you’re working on, which can also tell you a lot about the person who owns it. It’s important to respect those, to ensure that it’s enjoyable for all parties involved. This usually extends to the preference in finishing techniques, among other things. Depending on the watch, this could be frosting, black polishing, perlage etc. Once you figure out the right one, you need to decide whether to work harder and employ hand-finishing or use the help of a machine — both are perfectly valid options.

To sum it all up

While sliding into the DMs and wooing a watch lover may require you to pick up some watch-specific lingo, this guide is a great place to get you started. If you’re wondering about the next steps, check out our editor’s roundup of his favourite erotic watches that could really spice it up.