5 times you should never take a photo of your watch

Luke Benedictus

Let’s get this straight at the outset: you should go easy on the watch shots full-stop. Unless you’re taking a pic to share with a fellow watch lover, snapping close-ups of your shiny new wrist-wear is rarely necessary or wise. But there are scenarios where it is expressly forbidden.

At a wedding

It’s the happy couple’s special day! A bold leap of faith that represents the symbolic union of two people standing together until the dawn of time (or at  least until one of them gets caught banging the cleaning lady). What it’s not is a novel photographic backdrop for your next wrist-shot.

We get that the flowers in the church might complement the metallic sheen of your ceramic bezel. But we’re putting our foot down here — it’s still a firm “no”.

In the vicinity of a supercar steering wheel

So you’ve got a Rolex and a Porsche. All power to you, my man. But if you’ve managed to amass such glorious trophies and still feel the compulsive urge to highlight the fact, then something is definitely up.

For one thing, it looks awfully like gloating (never an attractive habit at the best of times). Secondly, appearing that desperate to broadcast your baller status will immediately make people think you’ve got underlying insecurities. Just what exactly are you trying to compensate for?

Having sex

One of the reasons that people become sex addicts is that getting jiggy is one of the ultimate forms of escapism from the horrors of daily life. In the heat of the moment, the sensual distractions are so involved that you can literally think of nothing else. OK, there are times when you’ll deliberately try to remember past Grand Final line-ups in a forlorn effort to delay the moment of truth. But you get the general point.

More importantly, no matter how tolerant your long-suffering partner is of your other grisly kinks, taking photos of your watch in the throes of passion is likely to be a perversion too far. Please note: the phrase “watch porn” does not refer to this.

At a funeral

You’re a pallbearer at your grandfather’s funeral, but as you carry his lifeless body towards his final resting place, you notice the gold handles of the coffin are really making the champagne dial on your dress watch pop. Yes, the timing is unfortunate. But we’d still recommend showing some self-control.

Barack Obama and David Cameron, after all, were rightly slammed for taking a double selfie at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. Taking a photo of your watch takes things to American Psycho levels of narcissism. Suffice to say, this is not a fitting way to pay your last respects. NB: The same rule also applies to scenes of car accidents, Anzac Day parades, hospital visits, trips to Auschwitz etc.

Doing anything dangerous

Walking the tightrope. Riding a motorcycle. Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. These are activities that require every iota of mental and physical focus — there’s minimal room for human error.

We understand that you bought this rugged sports watch to reflect your inner action-man – a side of your personality that gets scant recognition in your middle-management accountancy job. And now you’re keen to seize this opportunity to reveal your authentic self. Nevertheless, keep your eye on the prize here, not on minimising the reflective glare on your watch dial.