Six times you should never take a photo of your watch

Luke Benedictus

Editor’s note: A while back, the New York Times wrote a story entitled Instagram and the Watch World about how social media had “created a level of consumer interaction that the rarified world of fine watchmaking had never experienced before”. There are a lot of positives in terms of how social media has made watches more accessible than ever. But one side-effect is that people now take more wrist-shots than ever before. That’s all well and good most of the time. Except when it’s totally inappropriate as this story explains…  

Let’s get this straight at the outset: you should go easy on the watch shots full-stop. As normal as it might be among your watch loving pals, in the real world it’s a weird look full stop – for perspective, imagine you saw someone spending minutes trying to line up the perfect snap of their shoes. But there are scenarios where it’s not just foolish, but expressly forbidden.

At a wedding

It’s the happy couple’s special day! A bold leap of faith that represents the symbolic union of two people standing together until the end of time. What it’s not is a novel photographic backdrop for your next wrist-shot.

We get that the flowers in the church might complement the metallic sheen of your ceramic bezel. But we’re putting our foot down here — it’s still a firm “no”.

On a date

You don’t get a second chance at a first impression. And if his or her first impression of you includes catching you taking a shot of your watch in the restaurant window “because the light here is so good”, there are two potential outcomes. And neither are good. Outcome one, you’ll be straight ghosted and go to the top of the list for #Tinderfails. By the time you make it back to the table it will be lasagne, for one.

Outcome two, if by some miracle, you prove to be a good catch and she stays, the “how did you meet story?” will forever contain the bit about “he was doing the strangest thing in the restaurant window…”.

In the vicinity of a supercar steering wheel

So you’ve got a Rolex and a Porsche. All power to you, my man. But if you’ve managed to amass such glorious trophies and still feel the compulsive urge to highlight the fact, then something is definitely up.

For one thing, it looks awfully like gloating (never an attractive habit at the best of times). Secondly, appearing that desperate to broadcast your baller status will immediately make people think you’ve got underlying insecurities. Just what exactly are you trying to compensate for?

Having sex

One of the reasons that people become sex addicts is that getting jiggy is one of the ultimate forms of escapism from the horrors of daily life. In the heat of the moment, the sensual distractions are so involved that you can literally think of nothing else. OK, there are times when you’ll deliberately try to remember past Grand Final line-ups in a forlorn effort to delay the moment of truth. But you get the idea.

More importantly, no matter how tolerant your long-suffering partner is of your other grisly kinks, taking photos of your watch in the throes of passion is likely to be a perversion too far. Please note: the phrase “watch porn” does not refer to this.

Doing anything dangerous

Walking the tightrope. Riding a motorcycle. Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. These are activities that require every iota of mental and physical focus — there’s minimal room for human error.

We understand that you bought this rugged sports watch to reflect your inner action-man – a side of your personality that gets scant recognition in your middle-management accountancy job. And now you’re keen to seize this opportunity to reveal your authentic self. Nevertheless, keep your eyes on the job in hand here, not on minimising the reflective glare on your watch dial.

At a funeral

You’re a pallbearer at your grandfather’s funeral, but as you carry his lifeless body towards his final resting place, you notice the gold handles of the coffin are really making the champagne dial on your dress watch pop. Yes, the timing is unfortunate. But we’d still recommend showing some self-control.

Barack Obama and David Cameron, after all, were rightly slammed for taking a double selfie at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. Taking a photo of your watch takes things to American Psycho levels of narcissism. Suffice to say, this is not a fitting way to pay your last respects. NB: the same rule also applies to scenes of car accidents, Anzac Day parades, hospital visits, trips to Auschwitz etc.