THE RULES: How to avoid being a watch wanker
Felix ScholzWe’ve all met them, the guys (and lets be honest – it’s always guys) who give the world of watch appreciation a bad name. Be it a boss who’s engaging in a not so subtle game of mine’s bigger than yours, or a frenemy who likes playing keeping up with the Stern’s. They come in a variety of odious shapes and sizes but they’re all instantly recognizable – the watch wanker (or ‘dubya dubya’, WW, for short). But never fear, we’ve put together a list to blast away the BS, and activate the latest dive watch-like ego release valves. Please feel free to forward this handy guide to any offenders, recidivists or those at risk in your life. And well, if you feel a little uncomfortable reading this – maybe it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself, from the wrist up.
RULE 1: Don’t brand bash
The cardinal sin, and the clearest tell of WWs is the loud exclamation of “Oh, Brand X is all hype, Brand Y is so much better!” Usually the person this is directed at is wearing, or has recently been expressing favourable opinions about Brand X. This is the lowest form of uninformed criticism. Because A; everyone is entitled to their own taste and opinion, and B; all brands have their strengths and weaknesses. Take a hint not from the world famous Archie Luxury, who does everything perfectly, but from his slightly less well financially endowed ‘Archie Lower Middle Class‘.
How to avoid this: It’s good form to NEVER criticize the watch on the other persons wrist. Just don’t do it. And if you are going to criticize a brand, be specific, be informed and be aware that people throwing stones in the glass house world of luxury watches often end up with glass in their faces.
RULE 2: Know when to shut up
This might come as a shocking revelation to some of you (it still shocks us), but 95% of the world don’t just not care about whatever amazing piece of Swiss artistry you’ve got on your wrist, if they knew you could have put a deposit on a house for what it cost they’d think you were more than a little mad and fiscally irresponsible.
How to avoid this: If someone expresses an interest in your watch, sure talk about it. But make sure you can recognize the glazed over look in peoples eyes when you start talking about reference numbers and chronometer testing. Over time you will learn to shut up before it gets to this point.
Alternative strategy: Find like-minded people (usually lurking in specialized forums) and chat to them about watches until your eyes glazeover when they start talking about movement lignes and ebauche supply issues.
RULE 3: If you need everyone to know how much it cost, you’re making up for something
This one is fairly self-explanatory. And it relates strongly to the above point. But just to be crystal clear – people are not impressed that you spent that much money on your watch. If you want to impress people with your chequebook, consider using it to build an orphanage or something that contributes to society.
How to avoid this: If someone is interested enough in your watch to talk to you about it they already have a pretty good ballpark on what it costs. If they aren’t interested they aren’t interested.
RULE 4: Don’t fake it
Fake watches don’t impress anyone. No matter how much you talk up the quality of construction and the fact that it’s an “A grade replica” – it’s still a fake watch.
How to avoid this: There are plenty of great watches out there at all prices points that don’t have someone elses name on the dial. Buy one of those instead. Easy.
TO BE CONTINUED…