The Enabler: How To Justify Buying Another Watch. (#4: “The Milestone Celebration”)

Luke Benedictus

NOTE: We understand that you’ve found a new watch to add to your collection (congratulations!). But rationalising this fact – coupled with the fact that it’ll cost a bucket-load of cash – may not always sit well with the less horologically minded. That’s where we come in … Use The Enabler’s advanced levels of sophistry to validate your latest acquisition.

Phony enthusiasm. Beleaguered smiles. Rank insincerity. No, we’re not discussing politicians’ attempts to pass themselves off as genuine sports fans. What I’m talking about is why receiving Christmas presents leaves me increasingly cold.

To explain this “bah humbug” mindset, a week or so ago, I accidentally discovered what my wife is getting me for Christmas. The answer: a pair of wellington boots. Admittedly, they’re pretty fancy ones and it’s true that I currently have none. So it’s a well-considered gift that genuinely ticks the boxes of both practicality and thoughtfulness. And yet … the prospect of having to force an expression of startled delight when I unwrap them on Christmas morning before a crowd of onlookers who’re already half-pissed, well, it just makes me feel very, very tired.

Please understand, this is not my wife’s fault. The truth is that men of a certain age are heinously difficult to buy for. Fathers, in general, tend to be better givers than takers, more comfortable with being the provider than the recipient. Plus, by this stage of life, we’ve also developed painfully niche interests, our world view having calcified to a point where gift options are limited. Or just very, very dull (where did that baffling obsession with military history come from?). On reflection, I can fully appreciate my wife’s gift-buying challenge. After all, I already have a pair of Leicester City slippers.

There are still things that I would like to buy for myself. Unfortunately, they tend to be expensive and not the sort of splurges that I can execute on a sudden whim with a clear conscience.

Which is why the milestone is the ideal excuse. Celebrating landmark events is never a bad idea anyway. It’s a gesture of positive recognition, a fist-pump moment to capture the thrill of the summit. And how do you honour such a wondrous breakthrough? Well, obviously, you buy yourself a new watch.

But here’s the thing: with milestones you need to get creative. Significant birthdays, anniversaries and promotions are all very well. But you need to think outside the box to expand your options (there are a lot of watches still to add to your collection). Alternative milestones could include: surviving a messy break-up, toilet-training the last of your kids, or managing to spend an afternoon with your in-laws without drinking heavily throughout.

These are lifetime achievements, people! Do not ignore their significance. Take a moment to breathe in the moment and give yourself a mental high-five (an actual one will just look like you’re clapping). Then go out and buy that new watch.