Editor’s note: Few stories in the Time+Tide back catalogue get the comments section humming quite like Ceri David’s piece on how to impress her with your watch. Also, Ceri extrapolates, women in general. But reading this back, and knowing Ceri well, this is very much her voice, and her kind you’ll be striking the right chord with should you take the – overall quite excellent – advice. Who is Ceri, and why should you listen to her? She was only the second woman in the world to be a longstanding editor of GQ. Trust us, she’s the bomb.
Firstly, let’s not delude ourselves: your timepiece is going to impress more men than women. That’s a given. Unless, of course, it’s awful. If that’s the case, you’ll be slaying precisely no one — and also, how did you find your way to Time+Tide? However, there are a few ways you can maximise your chances of making an impression on the fairer sex with your choice of wristwear, at least a little. Listen carefully.
Step 1: Choose something less obvious
Less obvious than what? Less obvious than the one you’re most likely to choose, obviously. Because even though that un-aerodynamic chunk of metal on your wrist never fails to dazzle your mates and colleagues, it’s unwise to assume it’ll have a similar effect on the ladies. In the same way that we go for personality and intelligence over model-perfect looks in a life partner, we appreciate a watch that’s less in-your-face, more subtle, quietly capable. A dark horse rather than a show pony. Think along the lines of a more left-field brand, a vintage treasure or perhaps something customised.
Step 2: Choose something totally obvious
Don’t look at me like that. Yes, it’s confusing, but get used to it, because it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. And it might just be that your solid gold Rolex matches my python Louboutins today, so shuddup.
Step 3: Don’t mention it
There is nothing worse than a man who bangs on about his boys’ toys, especially if he ‘casually’ refers to the price. There are two things to remember here. Firstly, we have eyes and a brain, therefore we’ll notice things about you of our own accord, so don’t fish for compliments. Secondly, how you spend your money is a major yawnfest, because we too make plenty of paper, thanks, and we don’t plan on keeping you in the loop on where that goes. Next.
Step 4: Leave it on her bedside table
If you really think we haven’t noticed your beloved watch, this is the ideal podium on which to showcase it without looking like a try-hard. But wait. You’ll need confidence for this one, because I’m not suggesting you pop it there for an hour, and then return to your wrist. I’m saying, leave it there when you go home, ready for the next point, which is …
Step 5: Let her wear it
Think she looks good in your work shirt? That’s nothing compared to how well she’ll rock your watch. Whatever it happens to be — from a classic dress watch to an oversized diver — there’s something about a man’s watch on a woman’s slender wrist. And that is not up for debate.
Still not sure what you’re doing? Well, try one of these fail-safe suggestions.
I love an old-school watch with a metal bracelet, especially when it’s square, like the Omega Seamasters and Constellations of the 1970s.
Bulgari Octo Ultranero Finissimo Skeleton
Even a woman with no interest in watches will find the inner workings of a skeletonised watch fascinating. Just like those Dali-esque staircases in Labyrinth, you can imagine a wigged David Bowie riding around on those mechanisms in his (equally fascinating) tights.
Go for a mechanical timepiece from a major fashion house, and she’ll know what’s what — especially when it’s as striking as the Chanel Monsieur.
Feature illustration via dreamstime.com